the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
