Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
