She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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