i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
