Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
