I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
