My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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