I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
