i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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