I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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