imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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