i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
