Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
