none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
