Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize