I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
