I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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