He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I fill condoms, not promises.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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