I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
