Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
