the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
