i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
