Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
