i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
