I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
