Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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