So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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