Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
