note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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