I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
