You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
