Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
false alarm, still single
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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