After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
