I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
