then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
time to smoke my breakfast
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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