Plan B is the new Plan A
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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