a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
