We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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