OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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