Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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