God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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