It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
