the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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