somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
its liver damage thursday
Randomize