I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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