You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
