3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
