Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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