she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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