Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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