you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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