I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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