the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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