i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
