Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
