I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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