Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
